Wow....so I saw some shit that had me feeling a certain way, and tweeted about it.....
I'm def feeling a certain kinda way about what I saw tonight. Definitely time for that postponed hiatus....and then I get some info that tells me that what I felt was on the right track.....but what I felt was prolly the lessor of two evils...smh....and then I tweeted this shit:
When emotionally invested, ur just looking interest to be returned. If the percentage yield is slim to none, its best to withdraw. Joyisa!!!
....& this shit:
Wanna tell some1 how I feel...I wanna tear u down 4 making me feel how I feel, but wanna pick u up & dust u off 4 feeling how u feel already
....& this shit:
....pure ambivilant feelings right now....like 3 pairs of ambivilant feelings....I still have love for you though....I just don't get it....
....& this shit:
Apparently my archetype is one that's ready/prepared/decided when it comes to jumping into shit while the other party is still considering
....& this shit:
Guess I need to learn to slow down. Maybe I calculate(& recalculate)faster...maybe I just dont calculate properly. Either way...yellow light
....& this shit:
When I think about it....I almost walked in on that shit, too....smh....In hindsight, I know when it happened caused I tried to open ur door
....& this shit:
....I was looking for you to see about my calls being forwarded to your phone...to get the messages....
....& this shit:
....I understand now why people were looking at me funny when I tried to walk into that room cause they knew who was in there....smh....
....& this shit:
....the only reason I didnt go to the OTHER door, was because the bathroom light was on....thought there was someone in there...wow...smh...
So, after that shit, I had some black-guy-thinking-time, and conversed about it....and then thought about it more, and conversed about it even more.....I keep hearing how what happened was a mistake, and that barring this mistake the previous feelings are the same. Im hearing that I shouldnt even take it at face value.....Im hearing that I this person is sorry......and I still feel like: "No matter what.....its very obvious that every person Ive trusted emotionally, has let me down." And even though this is about a love interest, I wanna make this shit very clear......it extends well beyond that.....well beyond that.....family (immediate, extended, & whatever the fuck you call people who are basically family), childhood friends, love interests, and everything in between.....I have this overwhelming feeling that Im just waiting on this person (whoever Im looking at or thinking about at the time) to let me down or disappoint me. I dont like feeling that way, but youd be shitting me if someone didnt epically fail in my book....and its not even just do something that essentially is fucked up.....but to do it, and then take the cowardly way out by not being HUN50 about the shit......come on.....be real....atleast....atleast.....ATLEAST shorty this time was real about it, and said some shit........even though she later said "what if i never told you?" which makes me feel like IF shit happens again, she may not.....not a good look.......
I digress......
There are alot of people close enough to situation to know exactly what happened, and who was involved for me to put anymore details......WAIT-----please note, I usually put up any detail possible, and dont even worry about it.......but Im not at that point yet....I like this person so much that I almost left this entire thing as a draft, but I dont write anything for nothing.....'kay-----........but I will go back and make a few hypotheticals to show the feelings.....
First. Someone says, "I dont eat pork. I wont eat your pork, or anyone elses pork"......fuck this shit......replace "pork" with "fuck" in whatever way it makes sense......"Im not interested in being in a position where Im just used for sex"......and then......she fucks someone (who is supposedly a nobody, except a nice guy from yesterday), but says, "what I said, and how I feel didnt change. It was a mistake." You can say that, but it damn sure doesnt change what happened or that fact that, even if it was ONCE, you went against EVERYTHING you said the moment you did it. And since you became an instant hypocrite it upsets me. I dont like being made the fool. I dont like believing one thing because you said it, and then almost walking in on you doing the exact fucking opposite.....smh....wtf? Granted, you are not my GF, but bullshit is bullshit.
And.....I cant think of a way to express the fucked up setting without it being an expose'.......but I think saying that stabbing someone in the heart while they are helping you out shows how fucked up it was.....and when I say while.....I mean "you help someone move their shit from 1-3pm, and from 2-2:30, they are getting smashed up by some nigga who, in one way or another, is supposed to be contributing to the cause" kinda while. straight concurrent shit.
...smh....
Im just so tired of trying.....and then that talk about "....if anyone had a chance, it was you...."....doesnt feel that way.....
the only thing that makes me feel any better....is to tell myself that "You're Not My GF"....no matter what I want......"You're Not My GF".....No matter how let down I feel....."You're Not My GF".....no matter what you think about the situation....."You're Not My GF".....not matter what your intent was....."You're Not My GF".....no matter how much I thought you respected me and how i felt....."You're Not My GF".....
This shit is NOT supposed to matter.....cause....."You're Not My GF".....and even though it does matter(to me--& you apparently)....."You're Not My GF".....
I cant expect someone who doesnt want a commitment(of any sort), or a title besides "friend", to be responsible with the feelings of someone elsee....even though I want to.....mostly.....because.........."You're Not My GF".....
enough of this shit. I usually have some all(semi) encompassing statement at the end, but Im drawing a blank.....There may not be a quotable this time, even though I know you mofo's want one.......lemmme think......(7 mins later)........You dont get to decide when youre ready for life changes, life does. If you wait till you FINALLY decide youre ready, its prolly too late. If anything, you should move before youre ready....that way you have everything to lose, and youre forced to either make it work, or.....or.....fail.....too long for a quotable.....wait....wait for it.....
.....wait for it......
shit, Im done rambling.....hmmmm......wait for it......
....ok.....
"Commitment isn't a title. Don't name it.....just do it."--Nobi
YES!!! Joyisa!!!
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